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To wed: For yourself or your parents?

(Shanghai Daily/Agencies)
Updated: 2008-06-29 10:23

Situation III: Have it their way

Case 1: Chen Tian

Chen got married last year with no firecrackers, no banquet, nothing. The 36-year-old accountant and her husband simply took a honeymoon trip to Singapore after getting a marriage certificate at the Bureau of Civil Affairs.

Born into a traditional Chinese family, Chen admits that it was not easy to achieve simplicity.

"I spent quite some time negotiating with my parents. They of course wanted a wedding banquet like others did," Chen recalls.

It was like a tug-of-war, but she managed to persuade her parents, as she told them, "We are too busy to prepare for the ceremony - it's too time- and energy-consuming. And we think it's not necessary and worthwhile."

Victory often favors the strong-minded, so Chen smiled to the end.

Case 2: Vivian To and Hans Leung

To and Leung plan to marry late this year. To, born in a traditional Chinese family in Hong Kong, loves Indian culture and is fascinated by the country's religious rituals.

Her ideal wedding ceremony will be a typical Indian affair. "I want Indian decorations in the hotel ballroom. All the guests will take pictures with us in front of a big backdrop of the Taj Mahal."

The food will be Indian, "and we will perform a short Indian dance for the guests," says To.

But achieving this has been a struggle. To's parents cannot accept her idea because they are Chinese. They just can't understand why the daughter wants to try a foreign culture, especially on this important occasion.

More important, they are concerned about their mianzi (face). "We have many friends who are highly educated and well-mannered. They will definitely wonder why two Chinese are holding an Indian wedding. We do not want to lose face in front of them," admits To's mother.

"We are worried that our friends may laugh at Vivian if she wears Indian dress, and will always remember this as a joke for the rest of their lives."

However, To insists that it is "her wedding," and she should have the final say. "I do not want to waste US$600,000 on a wedding party that is fun (maybe) for the guests but boring to me," she says. "I'm not a monkey in the circus to amuse others. I want to make it memorable and special.

"Wedding is an once-in-a-lifetime day and I don't want to waste it and regret it for the rest of my life," she adds.

After prolonged negotiation and struggle, To has decided to have two parties: a very traditional Chinese wedding for her parents and an Indian party for her own engagement.

"We have already started taking Indian dance classes," she smiles.

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